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A deep seated fear

I was at a clinic.
Not a hospital. Not quite professional.
More like a flat… turned into something else.

Quiet rooms. Closed doors.
People waiting for transformation.

They said it was simple.
A procedure to reduce fat.
Quick. Immediate. Almost effortless.

I went into one room.
Two others went into rooms beside mine.

No long preparation.
No slow process.
Just… in and out.

And when I stepped out
They were already transformed.

Slim. Light. Changed.
As if everything unnecessary had just… melted away.

For a moment, I watched them.
A mix of amazement… and something else

Then suddenly
My vision blurred.

Not fully gone.
But shaken. Distorted.
Like the world had shifted just a little too fast.

I spoke up.
Told them what I was experiencing.

There was panic.
Concern in their faces.
A rush of attention.

And then… just as suddenly

It passed.

Clarity returned.
Vision steady again.
Everything back to normal.

And just when I began to settle

poof.

It was over.
I was awake.

No clinic. No procedure. No fear.
Just the quiet reality of morning.

And maybe… a quiet truth underneath it.

Because this dream doesn’t feel random.

It feels connected.

There was a time, back in 2016,
when I tried to lose weight before my wedding.
And that’s when the first optic neuritis attack came.
A moment that left a mark.

Moments where effort…
met something frightening.

And now, standing here again—
thinking of trying, planning, wanting to reduce.

That old memory whispers.

What if it happens again?

The dream didn’t create the fear.
It revealed it.

The desire is real.
To feel lighter. Healthier. better.

But so is the hesitation.
The body remembers… even when the mind wants to move forward.

So here I am—
between wanting change
and fearing the cost.

And maybe that’s okay to admit.

Because not all resistance is laziness.
Sometimes… it’s memory.
Sometimes… it’s protection.

And perhaps the invitation now is gentler:

Not to rush.
Not to force.
Not to chase instant transformation.

But to move slowly.
Wisely. Safely.

To honor both the desire to grow…
and the body that has carried me through every season.

Maybe this time,
it’s not about becoming someone new overnight—

But about trusting the process…

one small, steady step at a time. 

--

13 Jan, 2022

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