🚶‍♀️"God, not now"

Restart. Fall. Restart Again.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “This is the last time.”

And yet… a few days later, I’m back.

Kdramas again.

That same cycle.

And then these words from St. Ephraim the Syrian hit me like truth I couldn’t escape:

“Every day I lay a foundation for building repentance, and again with my own hands I tear it apart.”

That’s exactly it

I pray.
I resolve.
I start sincere.

And then a few hours later

“ just one episode.”

I don’t walk away from Him dramatically.

I drift.

Quietly.

Repeatedly.

The Moment That Exposed Me

Today I drifted again 

And then I saw Him.

Jesus. Fallen on the rough ground. Hand reaching out. Face filled with pain. (an Youtube post admist the kdrama suggestions)

And something in me froze.

I don’t know how to explain it.

Not guilt. Not fear.

Something deeper.

I remembered the last time I saw something like this and was led back.

I almost scrolled.

But suddenly I realised what was really happening.

Not just distraction.

Not just habit.

👉 A relationship being postponed.

👉 Love being delayed.

👉 God being told“not now. later.”

The Most Dangerous Thing I Believed

I switched to christian video and came across something about Padre Pio's encounter with a soul lost.

Not because of shocking sin.

But because of lack of contrition.

Believing the quiet lie: “my sin is a minor blemish not an offense against God”

And I realized that’s exactly how I’ve been living.

Because if I truly believed it was a big deal…

I wouldn’t so easily say:

👉 “It’s just a show.”
👉 “At least I’m not doing worse things.”
👉 “Let me finish this first.”

What I Was Really Saying

Let me strip it down:

Every episode I chose over prayer…
Every moment I ignored that inner call…

I wasn’t neutral.

I was saying: “God, You can wait. I’ll come back… later.”

And that “later” kept postponing.

Learning from the Saints 

A saint doesn’t say, “It’s not a big deal.”

A saint says:

“How could I wound Him who loves me so much?”

St. John Vianney said:

“All sin is a refusal to love God.”

Not just grave sin.

All sin.

The real question is: Have I loved God enough?

And if I’m honest…

No.

Every time I chose something else over Him…

I wasn’t just “wasting time.”

I was choosing less love.

St. Augustine once cried:

“Late have I loved You, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new!”

Not because he committed the worst sins imaginable.

But because he realized… he had delayed loving God.

St. Teresa of Avila struggled for years with distractions and attachments. Years.

She admitted she lacked the courage to fully give herself to God.

It wasn’t ignorance.

It was a divided heart.

And she said plainly:

“I did not have the strength to give myself wholly to God.”

That hit home.

Because that’s where I’ve been.

A saint doesn’t negotiate with grace.

The truth hit harder:

👉 I haven’t loved God seriously.

Because love doesn’t keep saying “wait.”

Love responds..

“How can I delay the One who is calling me now?”

St. Augustine recognized it:

“I kept saying, ‘tomorrow… tomorrow.’ Why not now?”

That question burns.

👉 Why not now?

Why I Stayed Stuck

Because I made peace with delay.

I didn’t reject God.

I just postponed Him.

Again.
And again.
And again.

Until postponing Him became normal.

This is how the heart slowly hardens.

Not by saying “no” to God

But by constantly saying:

👉 “Not now.”

Looking back, I see it clearly.

I didn’t feel urgency.

I didn’t feel deep sorrow.

So I didn’t change.

St. Catherine of Siena said:

“The soul that does not burn with love is cold and cannot move.”

That was me.

I was praying, yes.

I even asked:

“Lord, give me a willing spirit.”

“Help me love You more.”

And then… I would fall again.

Grace Interrupted My “Later”

Today, it wasn't my strength that stopped me.

It was grace.

That image.
That pause.
That moment of clarity.

And then, almost like confirmation, I saw this verse being shared:

“See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse befall you.” -- John 5:14

It didn’t feel like a threat.

It felt like a call.

A loving, serious call.

And it felt urgent.

Here's what I’m beginning to understand:

 Those small prayers during my sparse moments of clarity were not wasted.

Even when I broke my resolve…

God was still working.

Slowly. Quietly.

Preparing the moment.

This Is the Truth I Can’t Ignore Anymore

Every distraction is not just wasted time.

👉 It is a delayed response to God.
👉 It is love postponed.
👉 It is saying “not now” to the One who is asking for my heart now.

And that is not small.

And Scripture warns:

“See, now is the acceptable time; now is the day of salvation.” --2 Corinthians 6:2

Not later.

Now.

So This Time…

I don’t want another cycle of:

Restart. Fail. Restart.

I want a different response.

When He calls

Not later.
Not after one more episode.

👉 Now.

Because every “not now” shapes who I become.

And I don’t want to become someone
who keeps God waiting.

--

22 March 2026